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tess1985TX

Help! Bf Doesn't Want To Move To Us :(

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Hello,

 

I really need some advice. I am originally from Texas, I have been living in SA for the last 3 years with my boyfriend. It has been great, but I am really starting to miss my family and although they have visited, I am also longing for home. I love my boyfriend very much, but he doesn't share my enthusiasm for the US and doesn't even want to visit, he even prefers to pay for my family to fly out to SA. Lately I have been wanting to go back to the US, but when I suggest this to my BF he totally rejects it, coming up with 1000 excuses, like his business is here and it's doing well, he wouldn't know anyone in Texas except me and my family, if he became a US citizen he would have to give up his SA or his UK passport, etc... it is really becoming depressing, I am not sure what to do. Any advice would be appreciated!

Edited by tess1985TX

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Ma'am, there are no easy answers to questions of that nature. Only the two of you will be able to sort this out.

 

However, as someone who has had to uproot everything in South Africa and move to the USA, I know what such a move entails. It is the single-most difficult thing anyone can do - and for a family it is even tougher. You know first hand what it's like to move to a country where everything is foreign to you, where you have no friends or close family as a support system. I can understand it if someone who is successful in life, owning a thriving business and enjoying the braaivleis, rugby and sunshine culture that the country offers, would be reluctant to give up everything he has worked for - leaving his comfort zone - and try and settle down in a country where he will have to start from scratch. In fact, he will not even be able to work until a Green Card is issued to him, unless he has $1 million dollars to put on the table and qualify for a business visa.

 

I also understand your yearning for Texas and the longing to be close to your parents. I can understand that you miss your family and friends, but I'd like to urge you to think carefully about this - even more so because you love each other. Think about the current economical climate in the US. Will the two of you be able to make it over here within a relatively short period of time, or will it be a long and drawn-out affair that could end up in tears and sorrow?

 

Those are the kinds of things that the two of you will have to carefully think about. And need I remind you two of the rampant crime and perplexing politics perpetuated in South Africa?

 

I can only wish you the best of luck with this, and I sincerely hope that the outcome of this will be joyous for the both of you.

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Thanks for your reply and well wishes, I know what you are saying is correct, but I just can't help longing to go back home now. We literally argue about it every night at the moment, it is becoming a huge issue. Just having my parents visit once a year is not enough for me anymore, I want the comfort of home and friends and family. Although I have a very good life here, I really wish that I could convince my BF that moving to the US would be a good move for the future. Unfortunately what makes it worse is that I am from a small town and that doesn't appeal to my BF, he likes the hustle and bustle of Jo Burg.

 

I have tried to argue that if he could make it in London (where it's really competitive) and then again in JoBurg then he can also make it in the US. Basically what would help is if I had better arguments that would convince him, because unfortunately when we debate it he always wins.

 

So if you guys could help me it would be really great. So far what my main arguments are:

 

1. I have all my family and friends in Texas, most of his family aren't in SA any more. Ironically, a lot of them are in the US (California, New Jersey, Washington State), and some in the UK as well. So he only really has friends in SA, and a small number of family members. He argues that even though he has cousins and an uncle and aunt in the US, none are even in Texas so it wouldn't make that much difference with regards to seeing them more often. His parents live in the UK, and we travel to visit them, but we never travel to the US to see my parents, which is very unfair in my opinion.

 

2. In the US we would be safer, less crime etc. He argues that we haven't actually had that much crime happen to us in SA, and he was robbed more often in London, and that he has lived overseas and prefers it in SA.

 

3. Better quality of life. It is difficult for me to argue this one from a financial point of view since we are so much better off than basically anyone that I know back home, but I still believe that the US has a lot to offer in the *quality* of life department, but I can't really put my thoughts into words with this one and he just doesn't understand.

 

Is there anything else that I should argue besides the above?

 

What makes it all worse is that when I left the US, it was partly because of a huge fight with my parents, I was sick of life in Texas and wanted to travel to Europe and I was really nasty to them and said I would never be back and didn't want to ever see them again. Even though they have visited me in SA since then, I always think about how mean I was and really want to move back there and make up with them, and I cry about it often.

 

Any input would be really appreciated.

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Hello,

 

I really need some advice. I am originally from Texas, I have been living in SA for the last 3 years with my boyfriend. It has been great, but I am really starting to miss my family and although they have visited, I am also longing for home. I love my boyfriend very much, but he doesn't share my enthusiasm for the US and doesn't even want to visit, he even prefers to pay for my family to fly out to SA. Lately I have been wanting to go back to the US, but when I suggest this to my BF he totally rejects it, coming up with 1000 excuses, like his business is here and it's doing well, he wouldn't know anyone in Texas except me and my family, if he became a US citizen he would have to give up his SA or his UK passport, etc... it is really becoming depressing, I am not sure what to do. Any advice would be appreciated!

 

Sounds to me like no matter what choice you make, someone is going to be unhappy. Your BF has to make this decision for himself. If you force him to come to the US, he will most likely just end up being unhappy and start to blame you for it. Why don't you come back for a visit and maybe use the time to think about the relationship? Things may not even be the same here as you remembered it. You might be glad to go back to SA again. And if you really want to come back, and he doesn't, maybe it's time to call it quits with the relationship. Sounds to me like it's not the happiest relationship anymore in any case.

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Sounds to me like no matter what choice you make, someone is going to be unhappy. Your BF has to make this decision for himself. If you force him to come to the US, he will most likely just end up being unhappy and start to blame you for it. Why don't you come back for a visit and maybe use the time to think about the relationship? Things may not even be the same here as you remembered it. You might be glad to go back to SA again. And if you really want to come back, and he doesn't, maybe it's time to call it quits with the relationship. Sounds to me like it's not the happiest relationship anymore in any case.

 

Hi Dolphin, thanks for the input. I don't really want to go the route of breaking off the relationship. The reality is that in terms of finances I am a lot better off than I could be in the US, as here I have a good job working for my BF's company (and that's not even counting the fact that he pays for 90% of bills, bought me a car, pays for all holidays and overseas trips, pays for my parents to visit, basically everything).... whereas back home without a college degree I think I would struggle and even have to go back to the kind of small town low paying job I had before leaving Texas. But it isn't all about finances, I really love my BF and want to make things work. I think the best solution would be to try and convince him to come to the US, which is why I asked you guys to try and help me put down reasons on paper :) When I met him in the UK I knew we were meant to be together, and he has always treated me great, I definitely do not want to break up with him.

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Do not let emotions run your life, decisions should be made on facts.

 

At this stage I would suggest that you hang in there, and take a long hard look at what is happening in the US at the moment, and whether there will be an upturn in the economy in the next couple of years. A real upturn, not a fake bailout, TARP funded make politicans look good thingamajig.

 

My prediction is that things in the US will get ugly in the next couple of years, really really ugly.

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It's possible to have dual citizenship. You don't have to give up being South African. You request the proper docs from the SA'n consulate, complete them and that's it.

Good luck - it is really a tough situation.

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I echo what Dolphin said: if you can't handle it over there, maybe it is time to take a break from it all and visit the US by yourself. Check things out and make a decision then. It won't do you, your BF or your relationship any good to force him to move to the US.

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Ok, here is my interpretation of your situation. You have been in a relationship for over three years. So when are you guys going to get married? or are you just happy with the cohabitation arrangement. There has to be some give and take in a relationship. As other members on the blog have advised, you need to take the occasional vacation to the US just for your own sanity. Just as we go back to SA every year and visit friends and family and shop. I used to live in Robertsham, Johannesburg for about 7 years also worked there for a year in the1980's Jhb is ok but we were Capetonians at heart so we went back to Cape Town.

 

 

As you are an American you will always have that urge to come back to the US just as we have that need to maintain ties with our family in SA just to chill out and braai and look at the Southern Cross in the evening sky. Sorry that I am not helping you with your motivation to move back to the US. We have just done the paperwork to retain our SA Citizenship (dual citizenship) as we want to keep the possibility of ultimately working remotely from SA in say 15 20 years time.

 

The US economy is still just chugging along at a snails pace, but I must say I have purchased more new cars in the past five years in the US compared to the entire time we lived in SA. As it would not be financially viable for you to move here, take the time out for a vacation it will probably do your relationship some good, be it positive or negative.

 

There you have it, my on the couch session with Dr. Crabtree is over.

 

Edited by oscar

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Pitching the U.S. against South Africa (as opposed to pitching the U.S. against Europe / Ireland) would (for me) be quite a challenge as a lot of the good things (that I'm looking for) e.g. wide open spaces, nature and decent weather are found in abundance in both countries.

So in addition to all the other factors, I can imagine that it must be difficult for you.

If you're drawn in two different directions, then make the choice yourself - don't let your circumstance choose for you.

I don't have advice other than to have faith and trust yourself, no one knows what's right for you more than yourself.

Take strength from that.

And of course go with what makes you happy ;)

Good luck.

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When you moved to SA, what was your original agreement - that you would stay there indefinitely without a thought of returning to your home country? You need to look at the conversations you and your BF had about you living in his country, what his feelings about the US were then etc. Sometimes looking back at how you got into a situation can be pretty indicative of what the future will hold - unless you make changes. If your BF was honest with you about not wanting to move to the US from the start, I doubt he's going to budge now.

 

Good luck in your decision. I understand though why you want to go back to Texas! :)

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I like the advise that Dolphin gave.

 

Have you not been back to TX at all since you left?

You should really take a trip here by yourself if he doesn't want to. I think that would be much better for you.

After that you may even change your mind about wanting him to move here. Or it will strengthen your resolve and change your priorities.

 

His argument about having lived in the UK and not wanting to live in another country is not very strong. I have lived in all 3 countries for a minimum of 2 years each and the UK is NOTHING like Texas. In fact, I think it has all of the good things that SA has (weather, great people, space etc) and none of the bad (crime etc).

If he hasn't been affected by the crime then he is one lucky SOB. I doubt that he doesn't know at least a dozen people that have been??

 

You are in a great situation financially, which is really hard to move away from, IF (big IF) that is your priority, and it seems like it is.

 

You could make the deal with him that if you both take a trip to TX and, after that, he decides that he definitely will not move then you'll never mention it again. Tell him that's the only way to shut you up about it :)

 

I would never stay with a guy if he didn't respect me enough to at least take a trip to my home town !! ESPECIALLY after 3 years !!

 

May I ask what town you're from?

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Tess,

 

I think you are in the classic end of the honeymoon phase with traveling/moving abroad. You have now got to the point where you are missing family and we all go through it. It gets better and after 5 yrs, you will be a different person. HOWEVER, my concern is that your boyfriend is putting his head in the sand with regards to South Africa. What happens when you guys marry and have children. Would you really want to bring them up and risk their lives in South Africa? I certainly would not and the one reason why I would never now return to South Africa.

 

I am in Texas too, and it is very similar to South Africa and your boyfriend needs to visit.

 

My solution, your boyfriend needs to come over and visit with you. If he is successful in business, he needs to look at ways of starting a branch of his business in the USA. This will allow you both to travel to the USA and he continue with his entrepreneurial spirit. At the same time when he finally realizes that South Africa does not have what the USA has to offer in terms of raising children, he will have something to step into here in the USA. Regardless, it could be a win win situation all round as you will get to spend time in the USA while he works on the USA growth and then return to SA on a regular basis.

 

So he makes a compromise, he can still be successful and grow his business and you get to be with the family.

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I know of a few couples that have gone through this very issue, and the I have to say that the outcome has not been that good. You cannot force someone to see or feel things the way you do. He wants to be in his homeland, you want to be in yours. These core feelings run very deep and will affect everything about you both now and in the days to come. If you are so homesick, and I can relate to that in my early years of being in the states, I think it is important that you return for a long vacation with family so that you have time to get over the novelty of being home and being objective in if it is what you really want. Homesickness obscures everything, and we ultimately romanticize it. Reality might offer a very different perspective.

 

Your trip home will determine if being home with less monetarily is better than a more financially comfortable life in SA, and it will the best gift you can give yourself before children become part of the equation. When that happens you are truly stuck. Strongly suggest you resolve this issue for yourself long before the legal system ends up dictating for you. Best of luck.

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I mostly agree with everybody in this post. I had to deal with a very similar situation with my daughter - she is 17 and in her final year of school. This is my story - maybe the outcome can help you make your decisions.

 

My daughter's best friend (same age, same school, same classes as my daughter) has been living with us for 4 years as her mom could not afford to take care of her anymore without going back to Poland (they are Polish citizens, and her father died 4 1/2 years ago). These two girls were just about joined by the hip, and already decided to take a gap year in 2011 as the lovely quota system at Pretoria University denied my daughter of a fair chance to study in Pretoria, although she was accepted to study at Stellenbosch and UCT - but my daughter didn't like that idea because her friends wouldn't be able to join her there. We had endless arguments about her future and that she was making emotional choices in stead of thinking about what it is she really wants to do.

 

Anyway, it almost seemed as if I lost my daughter as she was really influenced by friends who really only cared about what suited them and their current situations - not about what was best for my daughter. And every time we tried to discuss 2011 she withdrew even further.

 

When we heard from KCC that we were GC winners for the 2011 draw, we knew that it was crunch time for family decisions. If we were sucessful in the application, we had to make decisions based on our current situation, which meant splitting the girls up. Basically, we wouldn't be able to "force" my daughter to move to the USA with us as she would be 18 and of legal age. We sat down and told the kids about our good fortune, and also discussed the pros and cons of uprooting and going to the USA, and also of staying.

 

Once my daughter realised that this would have a major impact on her wrt her friendships and her future / opportunities, it was easy for her to accept that the move would be best for her, even though she might lose some friends.

 

It all boils down to this. Take away all the things that might blurr your thoughts...BF, job, finances etc and decide what it is that YOU want to do and what is important to YOU. He must do the same, and if you are totally honest with yourselves, you both will make the correct choice...regardless of the outcome of your relationship.

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